Logo courtesy of Ben and Jerry’s.
Ben and Jerry’s has a new campaign to name an ice cream flavor after Washington, D.C. The good news: ice cream won over frozen greek yogurt. Sorry, health-conscious people, but ice cream is always the crown jewel of the icy dessert showcase: the cure to emotional problems; the Yin to our Yang; or, um, the Cheech to our Chong, if you will. The not-so-good news: caramel won over fudge. I guess it only confirms Chocolate City is becoming more vanilla, maybe with a delightful butterscotchy swirl outlining the District. You can see the whole tally of ingredients by clicking on the link here— the winner will be unveiled tomorrow, Saturday, June 29 so you still have time to suggest your own clever name via Twitter or Facebook. The list includes cherries (yay!) and Route 11 chips. Amazingly, no one thought of adding a ribbon of Mumbo Sauce or, ahem, marionberries and rock candy pieces to the ingredient list (a Dangerously Delicious Pies former specialty, sadly nixed from the menu by the expense of shipping marionberries all the way from the West coast).
This has gotten us here at The Hill is Home thinking not just about clever names for a DC ice cream, but also of the ingredients we wish actually had made the list in the first place.
Let’s face it, people. Here in the nation’s capital, we like our alcohol —perhaps a little too much. This can be evidenced by the millions of Happy Hours, many of which start an hour earlier than most anywhere else: after all, most people are supposed to be at work at 4 pm. The only other thing that is even more popular than watering holes and early-bird specials has got to be brunch: our citywide love runs so deep, it’s inspired blogs and defied the mockery that would naturally arise from seeing a whole bunch of people getting excited for, well, breakfast served late, with alcohol. With that in mind, why didn’t a French Toast-inspired ice cream make the list? You can still do something brunch-appropriate with the winning Waffle Cone pieces, Ben and Jerry’s! Mix in a ribbon of a DC-authentic cocktail, the Rickey, and you can call this flavor something like The Lobbyist’s Lunch or the Bureaucratic Brunch Crunch! (There is seldom much that is bipartisan and crunchy at the same time, you know.)
In that vein, our city has provided countless hours of comic relief on account of the corruption hilarious hijinks of the local political scene. This would be something appropriate to highlight in your name selection: we could have chocolate ice cream with little tricked-out chocolate Lincoln Navigators surrounded by a spicy Mumbo Sauce swirl that could be called Double Brown Takeout, for instance. You can even have a limited-time offer where this flavor has a coupon for a jumbo slice, so we can all continue to eat our feelings of shame and disgust long after the delicious and cool pint is gone. Speaking of bitterness and resentment, we haven’t even brought up the many different iterations of the District’s motto: Taxation Without Representation, such as About $7, With No Guarantee of Long-Term Happiness, or Calorification Without Glorification.
No true DC flavor can gloss over the soul of the city: its important musical contributions. This presents a problem, because how are you going to combine hardcore punk and Go-go in one clever name? My suggestion: Wind me up, Punk!
Ultimately, though, what probably defines us most as a city and as true Washingtonians is not our indignation at the local government or our love of music, or even our avid attendance of all the wonderful free museums. It’s not even a heightened awareness of politics or a love of this misshapen little diamond that inspires so much passion. It’s not even a shared love of weekend calories, or of post-work alcohol. Therefore, here is my last contribution: one that is sure to bring a tear to a true Washington-area person, whether native or adopted, suburban or not: WALK ON THE LEFT, A$$H0LE.
*slow clap*